Woody Allen quotes

Woody Allen

American actor, writer, film director, comedian and playwright


Making Movies

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.


The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. 



It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the Universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Humorous Quotes >>>

If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.  >>>

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people ‒ and kill ’em.

About Sex and Marriage

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Marriage is the death of hope.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.  >>>


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