If my film makes one more person miserable, I'll feel I've done my job.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.  >>>

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people ‒ and kill ’em.

About Sex and Marriage

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody’s going to make fun of you.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Marriage is the death of hope.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.  >>>