A child of five would
understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and
read a book.
My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath
September' because it actually tells you something.
The Rainbow of Life
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere,
diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have
I, not events, have the power to make
me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday
is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today,
and I'm going to be
happy in it.
Man as a Social Animal
There's one way to find out if a man is honest ‒ ask him. If he
says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
speak, I have something important to say.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like
to hear it again.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
Go, and never darken my towels again.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Women should be obscene and not heard.
I remember the first time I had sex ‒ I kept the receipt.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.