Groucho Marx humorous quotes, jokes

Groucho Marx

American comedian and film and television star, a master of quick wit  >>>


Education, Knowledge

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

The Rainbow of Life

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.





I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

A Man as a Social Animal

There's one way to find out if a man is honest ‒ ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.



Before I speak, I have something important to say.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Women, Marriage

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I remember the first time I had sex ‒ I kept the receipt.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.


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